relativity

i'll be back!

2005-04-14T01:38:00.000-07:00

Ed: (famous last words??)

Follow up( a month++ later...):

The slack time between the arousal of my conscience and the hitting of the keyboard got a little( modesty, huh!) longer than necessary. But then, its actually difficult to proclaim the requirement of a "hiatus". And believe me its more difficult than the act of submitting a resignation...like the way, its downright easy to draw a full-stop, but the insertion of a comma stays an enigma for many a literary genius. I wouldn't start to justify my disappearing act from Vibe, but the way i told it to the Ed, lets reiterate. Its just that i am taking a vacation. so, while my column rests under the newborn "Relics" , i came in to wish Vibe all the luck in my absence.

- Arundhoti

Beauty and the Beautiful

2005-03-28T20:01:00.000-08:00

Recently, Sony Entertainment Television beamed the "Femina Miss India" contest wherein thirty gorgeous ladies sashayed down the ramp with perfect panache, never forgetting to display their glittering white teeth. But what pervaded the three hour pomp parade was, what has almost become the zeitgeist of contests as this, the couldn't-be-triter punch line- "beauty is not skin deep". You can't blame the contestants though. They were all vying for instant glory and the cliche punchline has always been the passport to success.

That sounds like some cynic's viewpoint of beauty contests. But then, I cant help wonder what gave these thirty young women the license to strut on the ramp? Is it the oft repeated "beauty from within"?

What is it, that makes "beauty is not skin deep" so indubitably acceptable? It could be, that such a statement goes down well with the audience. The not-so-beautiful audience who is eager to believe that it is "internal beauty" that makes a winner and a well toned body is just the sizzle to the steak. In that right, that audience is no less a beauty queen sans the ramp and the spotlight.

So how much does "internal beauty" help you as such? A lot- when the people around you already know you. It could be your workplace or just your gang of friends. Its your behavior in general and specifically those attributes of selflessness, helpfulness and efficiency that make you beautiful as a person. You are more respected for the person you are than admired for your looks. And that's worth it.

But would a stranger want to know you, or would a supposedly good-looker(on second thoughts, even an ordinary looker!) want to be associated with you if you are not blessed with good looks? Probably no. That "internal beauty" only acts at the second stage of a relationship and makes an association pleasant. But the first step still remains "skin-deep" beauty.

Though I am not an avid soap-watcher, even I am taken in by all the hype about the down-to- earth and extremely talented Jassi( of a popular serial fame!) shedding her ugly-duckling image and trying her hand at being glamorous. All the virtues she nurtured couldn't compensate for the dearth of glamour and hence the big step. So I gathered. Has good-looks become such an indispensable ingredient for success?

I know of an eligible bachelor who had asked his mother to find him an intelligent bride with a good sense of humor. Looks were but secondary in his search for a life-partner. So he proudly stated the futility of good looks in a long standing relationship and that it is just a beautiful mind that counts. While his mom kept the mission alive, he brought home the choice he had chanced upon. A blonde who had nothing else but a real pretty face. It was love at first sight. And he didn't have the chance to delve into the beauty of the mind.

Its time one accepts the truth about the modus operandi of good looks. And shed those notions about "beauty within" being the whole of it. Not that one needs to shed that kind of a beauty. Its a virtue to be cherished. But then a pragmatist needs to understand the need of presentable looks. And these days, its not a God-gifted face that matters. The effort one puts in to attain a svelte figure or a great physique and the wonder cures in the market that give you a makeover capable of turning heads is enough to give you that requisite skin-deep beauty.

-arundhoti

Tell me your dreams!

2005-02-27T23:10:00.000-08:00

When was the last time you did what you wanted to with all your heart? When was the last time you lived just for yourself, and not for countless others? When was the last time you dared those impossible dreams with a twinkle in your eyes and alacrity in your heart? When was the last time you stopped pondering about the excellent career strides your friends made and not getting affected? Those were the questions that occurred to me recurrently and incessantly over the last couple of days.

I used to think of people browsing through the "self help" sections in a book shop or actually reading those books as overtly frustrated in life or totally mindless ones who needed others to dictate to them what they were supposed to do. And much to my dismay and displeasure I was gifted with a similar kind of book last Friday. But then, the avid reader I am, I gulped it down in one evening's time. The book talked about how the whole universe conspires to help you achieve your dreams. And how being focused on your goal helps you win in the end despite the many difficulties on the way. That was the seed to all those queries that took birth.

I am sure there are many other confused and disorganized souls like me who have messed up their dreams or have simple forgotten them in their endeavour to lead a normal and comfortable life.

For example, I know of my friend Ronit who always dreamt of playing the violin but cares for his annual appraisal just too much to squeeze out an hour's time in the evenings. So he ends up living that common enough mechanical life sans the realization of his dream. Also, there is Ankit who has this passion for designing buildings and never fails to express wonder at a beautiful piece of architecture but ends up sitting in his office writing code in Java. And then there is yours truly who finds herself on cloud nine whenever she has her dancing shoes on; who always wanted to be a dancer but whose good grades in Maths wavered her enough to take up engineering. And finally, there are lots and lots of those who still don't know their dreams.

Why is it so that people give up on their dreams so easily without a pang of guilt or anguish, and it all culminates into a passing mention at the coffee table as to "I always dreamt of doing so and so" ?

For one, it could be the fear of confronting your family, as one of my friend puts it "My parents would never allow me to choose that not-so-often-treaded path of being a movie director". Add to that a lack of confidence in your self and you are ready to trade your dreams for something more certain. What if you fight and fail and then your family and friends point a finger at you with that proverbial "look we told you so" statement ? You would have rather suffered death than live that ignominious act. Well, for another, your family is just the embodiment of society in general. Conforming to the norms of the society is the easiest way to take and the "way" that demands, in most cases, the sacrifice of your dreams. I know a guy who had guts enough to give up his studies for a career in music ( which unfortunately hasn't worked out yet ) and is treated like an utter societal outcast and loser in life. Dealing with rejection is a difficult thing to do. And fighting at the same time to prove the injustice and futility of that rejection is even more difficult.

The realization of your dreams and the hindrances to the achievement of them is definitely the first and the most substantial step. To take that step, the best one can do is wake up in the morning and tell oneself "if today is the last day of my life I would definitely do this". That "this" would define all the things you would love to do with all your heart without fear of anything. Living everyday in a way as if there was no tomorrow is the best way to fulfill your dreams. And when it comes to the test of tackling, it is for you to realize that your dreams are entirely yours and for you to make true. As for me, I have taken a small step of getting myself enrolled at a dance school. Sometimes, it is as simple as that. Just a thought away.

Hey! there I see a guy immersed in a "improve your life" book and for the first time I don't pity that soul. Rather, I am happy . Happy that he would have questions to ask himself. Happy that he at least spares a thought about his life and its betterment.

Bye Bye buddy!

2005-02-20T20:43:00.000-08:00

Shree and I were inseparable since our college days. So much so, that her boyfriend had once asked to choose between him and her best friend (me)! However we always believed that her answer was too petty to do any damage to our bonding.

Last year she tied the knot and since then we have been fighting to keep the "buddy status" alive. Friendship can now be measured in terms of those couple of phone calls per month. Gone are the days when she would coax me for a cup of coffee in the midst of a hectic day, complain about her badgering boss or crib about the messy "khichdi" she cooked. It had all boiled down to the "hi! what's up?" stuff - the kind that the worst form of acquaintances share.

I am sure there would be more gals and guys alike who have sacrificed their "ties of friendship" to the "vows of marriage". And who still reminisce those halcyon days till a stranger pulled them apart.

Why indeed is it so difficult to do justice to your old friends once you enter the domains of marriage? Sometimes I like to think of marriage as a demanding enough relationship that can't bear even an iota of digression of attention. Sometimes I even think to the extent of the hubby's pride receiving a big blow if wife darling shares her secrets with her buddy instead. But that definitely is being protective towards my friend in trying to justify her actions and preventing myself from going into fits of fury at her throwing away a friendship cultivated with care over long years.

Now, lets not delve deeper into my personal plight but try to reason out the general cause of such a common enough negligence. I think that we have a tendency to consider marriage ( or a commitment ) as the wholesome relationship that would make up for all the others that preceded it. It is almost like you have been yearning for this commitment all life long and all the others you have made along the way are declared null and void ( not in words, but in action! ) the moment your search is over.

The wife would rather sit with her hubby, staring at the idiot box than plan a weekend brunch to catch up with her long time friends. She would rather exhibit her plastic smile at the dinner party hosted by her husband for his colleagues than conceive an hour long tete-a-tete with a pal from the past. I fail to understand if that is a sheer lack of interest or the ramifications of laziness!

Another queer fact as endorsed by most of those TV family dramas or real life scenarios is that, the buddy most definitely becomes the fall-back option and an indispensable regular contact when wife dearie is suffering marital blues. But then again, it is "bye bye buddy" once the hiatus is over. Why is it that a friend can't be a part of her good times as well - a companion to her shopping expedition or an audience to her elation at the wonderful client presentation she did!

With all the reasoning, logic , unanswered queries and human psychology in its place, I still can't help but miss that "untaintable, unbreakable bonding" we had christened so!

Valentine's Day - A new dimension to love?

2005-02-09T20:32:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot of controversy associated with Valentine's Day. Even its existence needed justification at times. Most people argue with the couldn't be triter "we don't need a special day to celebrate love" statement. For others like me, this day is just the sizzle to the steak!

I don't want to talk about this day adding a dimension to the quelling of the ignorance regarding the coming into existence of Valentine's Day and its import. Neither would I go into discussing the fuzzy-dimensional political fiasco associated with this day and the alarming dimensions of enshrouding love in religion. Nor would this one be a research on the increasing dimensions of the coffers of businessmen whose business thrive on reliable human emotions. This is just an opinion in case from a human capable of love.

When John Barrymore said that "Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock" he didn't mean to be cynical. That was quintessential pragmatism and meant that you actually see more when you are in love. And because you see more, you choose to see less. The plethora of adjectives describing this beautiful feeling which prompted the poet to say "to love is to live" provides reason enough to dedicate a day solely to the celebration of love, or rather going by the poet's words, the celebration of life. The question here is how a single day christened so, lives upto its hype.

Not embarking on the debate of commercialisation of emotions, What else other than this day would give an opportunity to a wise in love but otherwise nervous teenager the occasion to muster up enough courage and profess? What else other than this day would provide reason enough for that ambitious workophile to give a thought to his silently understanding wife who waits for him at home and say to her a heartfelt thanks? What else other than a day like this would be a day for a married-for-30-years couple to freak out in their own style? What else than a day like this would be apposite for that US greencard holder son to make an ISD to let mom know that she is loved and missed?

With the question "does Valentine's Day add a new dimension to love?" I am sure we wouldn't expect untowardly favorable answers in the form that this day lets you go all out and fall in love or that it causes you to see your lover in a new light or might be even, that it helps you bridge all those differences that crept between the you two. Isn't adding a new dimension successful if this day is an exception to the regular life dynamics wherein you actually make an effort to let your loved ones know that they are loved ? Isn't the dimension rendering successful enough if a hoarded emotion finds a vent?

We The People

2005-02-03T02:32:00.000-08:00

I have been seeing the Editor grinning since morning and trying to put up a brave front while trying to fight his fury every time he sees a contributor to this Ezine. The reason being simple enough - none of us met the deadline. While I have provided him with all those trash excuses of "creativity can't operate under rigid constraints termed deadlines", I have this innate guilt conscience which has been troubling me since I overshot the deadline. But every time I tried to put that "creativity" thing into action, there was my boss whose favourite timepass is to remind me of the petty code I failed to produce in time (do I need to say that I am a software professional?) and how many people's work remains held up due to my inefficiency and finally ending the lecture with a note to show more interest.

Amidst such vastly common-to-all but nonetheless troubling times, even the full series of Edward De Bono's "creativity" stuff couldn't help me. Not that I bothered to read them. Well, On second thoughts, those books were gifted to me by the Editor himself. Was that an insinuation?

So now comes the daunting problem. With what junk am I supposed to fill in the following space?well, well...I have hit upon the problem!

Ever since I read about those reviews about "Swades" (the movie I mean) , I have been reeling under disappointment. And the reiteration from my respected Editor from our own Ezine provided the fatal blow. I somehow managed to check my strong yen to write a bitter comment(since we have that facility going!!!)...but I couldn't help myself from shooting a mail to the Editor (it was he who wrote that review!). So, couldn't this space be filled in with all those junk emails shot back and forth...while he tries to defend cinematic excellence and I take the seat of Ashutosh Gowariker's marketing freak! And to pacify my editor as to his argument regarding the gravity of a Ezine's column ( which is anticipated - the argument I mean!) - I have a point! "relativity" is supposed to be about human aspects - emotions, feelings, thoughts, opinions. This is just an opinion in case from a human - that I am! :-)

so, here goes the story:

Arundhoti:

w.r.t vibe's critique section, I must say that I particularly didn't like ur review for "swades"...its just a personal opinion but I am damned senti about that movie and watched it thrice spending 80 bucks each time at Kolkata's inox ...I also consider it as one of the best movies of my lifetime and the movie's "we the people" actually decides the "people we are"....so, coming from our webzine , that "drab unfilmi" thing u have penned down really killed me. A reviewer has a
lot of power to tilt opinions...its time we understood that responsibility. Anyways, I am fully aware that opinions differ...so, this is no criticism...just an honest opinion.

Ed:

as the journo says in page-3..."one has to reveal the truth, but there is a manner in which to do it." .... and swades as a cinematic venture lacks merit, more so coz it has made a hash of such a nice story- whts the use of the message if few go to see it.....

Arundhoti:

A nice quote to justify the " manner", is nothing but EASY! again personal opinion is where it boils down to ...and I believe that it was a wonderful cinematic venture where the cinema lingers on the mind even when the films are exhausted!...packing a nice story in 3hrs time is a tough job but done well...and the reason why few ppl go to see it has a contribution from the reviewers who emphasize on the "unfilmi" thing!;-)

Ed:

for one thing the movie takes an nri' s view of india who, confronted with misery for the first time, decides to help out...we Indian viewers come across all the poverty stuff, everyday, to the extent tht we hav become insensitive to it...the movie does nothing to raise "our" conscience...

Arundhoti:

that makes it even more sensitive...the realisation of our insensitivity!...raising "our" conscience is exactly what it does...well, for people who have a conscience nonetheless!!!:-) now if someone argues that we have lost our conscience, I wudn't go out to prove a point.

Ed:

throughout the film there is this lack of emotional involvement (except for the really sensitive people...which, sadly, most r not ) unlike in lagaan...

Arundhoti:

comparisons are absolutely uncalled for!

Ed:

for another, at the end of the movie, shahrukh doesnt come back to India just for the country's sake, he had a love interest......wht if gayatri hadnt been there? wud he hav returned?....at this point the movie's social work standpoint falls weak.

arundhoti:

well, u cud have missed this. But owing to that triple effort , there was specifically a dialogue dedicated to this doubt-where his frnd gives vent to the same doubt and where mohan bhargava vehemently ( that was emotional vehemence of course!) states that the love interest wasn't the only criterion to his decision. And well, if that interest was really solid ground he would have
maneuvered his caravan and come back filmi ishtyle!!!

Ed:

Moreover the events in the movie take the form of "he came...he saw and he conquered"...let someone try to change the social order (like shahrukh in the village ) in the real world and see how many hurdles he has to face...they will kill him and bury him!

Arundhoti:

here u r absolutely right...but then, that was commercial cinema ...not made to potray burial and failure ...but that honest intentions win in the end!

Ed:

yes...there are some scenes tht make a lasting impression....the open air film show for the villagers...the way they break their caste barriers and sing together under a starry sky...it IS one of the best scenes in moviemaking history..........
just wish the director had kept tht magic throughout the film....

Arundhoti:

its for the viewer to discover the magic...i found magic even in the scene where the guy sells water pots for 25 paise each!

Ed:

wish all such films tht fail to deliver their potential r remade sometime...

Arundhoti:

wish all the films which are so full of potential get their due praise sometime.

I wouldn't tell you how it ended. Well, not hits and blows of course. But then, i have kept my promise and filled in a lot of space. Whether this reaches my ardent readers depends on my Editor's discretion and yen to edit!

Straight from the heart...

2005-01-16T21:45:00.000-08:00

Last year in the month of May my grandfather died. It was just another busy day in office - me burning those CDs - when my mother made that STD call with a frail and quivering voice and broke to me the news.After i hung up, i went back and burned the remaining CDs.

I wasn't sure of how to react. I had just heard about the death of the person who had brought me up.Who had firmly held my tender hands when he did lead me to those vast green fields adjoining the railway tracks as i gaped in wonder at the whistling train that whisked past us. Who did keep me in awe of those huge shelves filled with books and the number of hours he spent with them. Who did scare me at times with his stern looks that kept me from cribbing when i was loathe to go to school. Who did comfort me when i got punished in class for playing stupid pranks. Whose pride did glitter in his eyes when i happened to bag the first position in class.Who did understand my despair when i couldn't...who was my friend when we sat in that long verandah together discussing my best friend's new boyfriend and also my teacher who taught me "world affairs" and "the meaning of life" alike. I had just heard about his death.

The news made a world of difference to me.Only that i faked(??) a smile when my friend was clicking a group-photo the same evening.Only that when i broke the news to a close friend , i was severely reprimanded for my lack of emotions or way of exhibition.

It had been seven months since. All this while i led a happy, normal and comfortable life - slogged it out at office, partied with friends and all. There were only a few nights when i felt guilty. At least i fought it hard to believe that they were a "few". Guilty because i didn't know how to react. Guilty because i was incapable of accessing my own emotions. And also, guilty because i didn't call up granny. It had been seven months since i had heard her voice or had made any effort to do so.

My granny is to me as "mother" is to many. If granddad was the torchbearer, granny was the homemaker. If graddad was the preacher, granny was the pamperer. Mom had told me on the phone about how granny had cried at the funeral. About how lonely she was now. And i had not called her. I don't know what it was that kept me. Might be i was plain scared to hear the pain in her voice. Might be i was scared that i would feel guilty again for my inability to react. Might be i was scared that i would make granny think that things didn't make an iota of difference to me.They did. They did a lot.

Work brought me to Kolkata last week. As i walked down the streets of "Lake Town" i tried to fight this strong yen of mine. I didn't succeed though and i found myself swiftly pacing towards that quintessential red building. As if i was making an effort to put seven months behind me. I rang the doorbell and waited in uneasy anticipation. For a second i regretted my hasty decision to come out of my comfortable cocoon. I even toyed with the idea of walking back and staying with that unknown-fright and known-guilt for always. All such thoughts weighed heavy upon me and the door opened. I saw my granny standing there. A little bit of wonder, a little bit of relief and a little bit of fright in her eyes - the same as that in mine.We stared at each other for a second and that did it all. Then i was hugging her and she was holding on to me. For the first time in seven months i didn't have to think about how to react. I could feel my cheeks wet with tears...tears that came straight from the heart.

One Big Fall...

2004-12-16T02:24:00.000-08:00

Deviating from the regular article structure of this column, I thought of writing a story instead. And true to the name of my column, it is based on a relationship;the one that develops when u try to do the act of a postman or the stage-setter and then things go haywire. This is one sure "formula" or "trap" as you might say, that works 80% of the times. The following is one such story.

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Little did Rashmi know that her philanthropist and magnanimous self in general, and her fierce loyalty for her friend Raj in specific could lead to this...

February 2004. The reticent by nature Raj, knew, things would never be the same again the first time he set his eyes on Pooja. He did things he never knew he was capable of. Those furtive glances he stole at her and the strange tugging at his heart. And before he knew it, he was in the middle of it. Insanely in love.

But then, he had heard it plenty of times before. Unprofessed love is nothing but a failure. And that gave him nightmares;the act of professing and the thoughts of failure.

Till date, Raj had never discussed anything beyond Linux, C++, .Net and J2EE with females and that too only with females who had the fortune of being his colleague. He had this acute fear of communication with the opposite gender. And discussing about things as abstract as feelings and emotions was something beyond his capacity. He could see things leading to nowhere. He felt
lost and despondent.

Enter Rashmi. The one person, where "friend" came before "female". They were friends for 3 years now. She could sense the change in his disposition, but waited for him to tell her. He did. All about how he never believed in "love at first sight" and how he fell victim to his disbelief. How he was scared that he would never be able to talk to Pooja and that his love story would end before it could begin.

She heard patiently. This was a new facet of Raj she had never known of. She thought it to be a queer passing phase. How can someone be in love with a person he hasn't known? But then, the vehemence of his emotions, whenever he talked to her about his plight, did begin to convince her.

For Raj, Rashmi was the sole person who he could open his heart to. By telling her about those queer tuggings at his heart whenever he saw Pooja, he seemed to double his joy. And by telling her about his deepest fears, he felt much relieved. For Rashmi, Raj was the new catalyst to her helpful instincts. She knew that she alone could get things working for him and that gave her a new purpose in life. And of course, she wanted her friend to be happy.

That was perfect symbiosis. They never realised it, but Raj's "fall", helped in strengthening their friendship all the more. They would speak for hours on the end and not get tired. When Raj suffered his sleepless nights he knew where to direct his messages to. And she never failed him. She took care of him as her child. And they never realised, that they got closer to each other than never before. No expectations, and yet, lots of expectations!

It was time she did something, Rashmi thought. And she did. The extremely outgoing person she was, it took her 5 minutes to befriend Pooja. She found her a nice person apart from being exquisitely beautiful. She was happy for Raj's choice.

And then those tricks she was expert at playing - like walking into the coffee parlour with Raj where she was sure to find Pooja, making it appear as a coincidence and taking the opportunity to introduce the two. Then, shooting a mail from his id(of course, with his full permission!) telling Pooja that it was nice meeting her. Then, those mails back and forth. That subtle tone of "interest", that Raj found really ingenuous and Pooja never suspected to be coming from a female! This went on for days and the vibes were just fine. The stage all set, Rashmi shooted the final mail(as Raj's proxy) inviting Pooja to coffee, and much to their relief, she agreed.

Rashmi had finally given him the start she had promised to herself and was now happy at her achievement. Raj didnt know what he was more - thankful or elated! Things were finally looking up. And he now had direction.

With Raj gone out to do his part, Rashmi sat down with a novel. Her deed was done. She was happy. Was she? That was a strange question she asked herself. Of course she was! She tried to convince herself. But then what was that huge void that gripped her and was gnawing at her heart. She tried to shrug off that feeling. But it came back. Repeatedly.

Raj came back all wrapped in smiles. He told Rashmi that if it had not been for her, he would have never been able to talk to the love of his life. And then, the tales about his conversation at the coffee table. And how he had "fallen" all the more after talking to Pooja.

Rashmi smiled. She was happy. Was she? The same question that came to her and she pushed aside. But failed.

Raj's love life was progressing fast. Coffee, dinner, movies;Raj and Pooja. Raj found his happiness in Pooja. He wanted to be happy that way for always. She understood him perfectly well. She wanted the same. They were now a self confessed couple.

And without him realising it, it had already been days he had talked to Rashmi. And without him realising it, he didn't need Rashmi anymore. She was a friend like always. He slept well and in peace. And when he didnt, it was the "sweet nothings" with his lover on the cell. He did find time for a "hi" and "all's going well; can't stop thanking you" whenever he felt guilty of not doing justice to his friendship.

For Rashmi, it was staring at a silent cell on a sleepless night;the same cell that she had cursed once upon a time for buzzing incessantly. It was a huge, huge void. And she had finally found the answer to the question that came back to her all the time. She knew now, she was NOT happy. In the process of helping Raj, she got used to him like never before. She missed those talks with him and this huge nothingness gripped her imagination whenever she realised that there was someone else in his life whose position she had herself ensconsed. She realised that she indeed wanted her friend to be happy but not at the cost of her being sad. She realised that without her knowing it, she had once loved the importance she had in Raj's life which she badly missed now. She realised that she had loved to be his only friend which was now no more. She realised that she was in love with him, only when it was a little too late. And it was one big fall.

- arundhoti banerjee

Marriage: "Arranged" or "Love"???

2004-12-09T01:58:00.000-08:00

You might argue that this is the 21st century when most parents' primary concern is seeing their child being happy in marriage and thereafter. Gone are the days when parents would raise a hue and cry when their son would break to them the news that he has discovered his soulmate he would want to tie the knot to. Gone are the days when in anticipation of those daunting consequences, the docile son would never attach serious contemplation on the act of "love marriage". Or well, if he might have already committed that cardinal sin of falling in love, he wouldn't leave a single stone unturned in ruining the calm of his partner and himself whenever the subject of marriage was broached. Today's parents are a lot more understanding and have happily delegated the right to choose a life-partner to the one it matters the most. But well, let us not forget that it is not the era wherein you are set that matters, its the mindset that does. Despite all the commendable contribution from the elders of the family towards their composure, the nubile lot of today still find themselves torn when it comes to this debate between arranged and love marriage.

To elucidate the governing factors for this dilemma, let us consider an example. Meghna(name changed for privacy's sake), a software engineer placed in Hyderabad, says that whenever she makes a call back home her mother never forgets to mention to her the subject of her marriage and at her age of 26 it is pretty much a justified concern. They have given her all the freedom to choose for herself, and that seems to make the choice making an even more arduous task. It has now been sometime that she has been seeing this nice guy, but of a different caste and she likes him quite. But then, she is paranoid of the fact that the one she has chosen might not meet those unstated expectations of her parents and the last thing she would want to do is upset them. Could they be so liberal as to forget those caste considerations? So, she continues to be in this grave dilemma of whether to pursue this association she is pretty fond of, or to nip it in the bud. According to her, a clearly stated template for the groom-to-be would make life easier, than being given all the freedom which at times could get too hard to handle. She chucks at her disposition,"with great freedom comes great responsibility".

The manifestation of this dilemma in a different kind can be seen in Rahul(again, name changed) who works in an advertising agency, Bangalore. He describes himself as the guy who wears his heart on his sleeve which slips away at the sight of every beautiful female around. He gets so captivated with the "beauty" aspect that the other components of marriage doesn't make much sense to him when he is dating a girl. He definitely doesn't want to give up his right to freedom of choice, but then, when it comes to choosing he is all jitters. He is scared that he might be making the wrong decision that could doom his life. Infact, he isn't even sure of what that decision should entail.

Finally meet Prachi(not the real name), who is in search of her mr. perfect for years now who has still not arrived. Belonging to those extremely choosy and nitpicking kinds she finds too many faults with every guy she dates. And since all of her choices have been "wrong"(by her standards!!!) till date, she is definite of not hitting the bull's eye ever. So, she wants her parents to bear the brunt of being the "wrong" chooser who in turn knowing her stratagem well enough shirk off that responsibility with deft dexterity with sermons on "your life, your choice". She is well aware of the fact that she cannot marry a person she has not known well enough for some time at least, but then, she is also aware of the fact that the "knowing well" process has imbibed in her this perennial fear of "tie and die".

All in all, lucky are those who know their mind well enough as to the one they want to spend their life with. And lets not blame the ones who don't because statistics get scarier by the day. Arranged marriages, the once considered safer option, have a larger failure rate in these changing times when people don't think twice before revolting a wrong choice made for them. So love marriages could no longer be considered a vice but rather the responsibility to live upto your choice for a lifetime. Any crisis in your relationship post marriage would have only yourself to blame. No doubt why this choice between love and arranged marriages look like the typical "between the fire and the frying pan" problem.

Taking into account all such predicaments, a well thought of solution to the dilemma is a combination of both - a little bit of arrangement and a little bit of love - in any order. That way, it could either be the groom/bride in question who breaks his/her choice to the family who does a virtue evaluation of the same. Mind it, this is not the conventional "asking for permission" phase, but one which gives your entire family a share of your happiness and an opportunity for them to voice their opinions. During this time you feel more secure and more certain of your decision when your family supports the same. The other way round, it could be your family who makes a choice for you and gives you all the time to fall in love with the chosen one. That way you have the prudent decision of your elders to give you peace of mind as far as the choice of person is concerned, and also the advantage of having your choice in knowing your partner well
enough before the wedding bells toll.

But then, the indubitable fact remains that the success of a marriage depends on the individuals constituting it. "love" or "arranged" is just the process of coming or bringing together. The survival of the marriage solely depends on the coveting of that togetherness and making every effort to preserve the same.

The "M" Phobia

2004-12-01T22:03:00.000-08:00

It has been months now that you have been dating your dream gal. You are the happiest person on earth when she is close to you. Those simple "good morning darling" messages on your cell make your day. She is one person who understands you perfectly well. When you are down, a word or two with her lifts up your spirits. And whenever she talks to that handsome colleague of hers you are all green with envy. All in all, your life sans her is unimaginable. You would indeed give your life for her. Yet one day when it comes to officialising it all with a lifelong commitment called "marriage", you are ready to give it all up.

The dictionary calls it "gamophobia" which is a persistent fear of being married, the severity varying from person to person. Sufferers of this phobia experience undue anxiety even though they may rationally realize that the married state itself poses no threat to them. They fear the challenge of living with another person and the responsibility of rearing a family.

But what exactly is this "fear of marriage" thing? When you enter the precincts of a not so very platonic relationship, and assuming that this one is categorically different from the all so many flings u have experienced, you would definitely want this relationship to endure. Consciously or subconsciously you know that endurance gets manifested in terms of marriage. But when this "M" word comes out explicitly in the open, you are confounded and find yourself in an inextricably knotty situation which inevitably leads to the rescindment of your commitment towards a "lifetime of togetherness". Those "sweet nothings" are labeled the peccadilloes of a starry-eyed, moony-eyed guy in love "not ready" for that huge responsibility called marriage!

"Not ready" is the apt way to sum it all up. It could be "not ready" to strike that fatal blow to the expectations of your family;that you have snatched away from them their right to choose for you could be really painful for them and you are "not ready" to cause them that pain. It could be "not ready" in terms of your career. You have to devote yourself religiously to your exacting work schedule and marriage would inevitably tie you down in terms of opportunities;you are really "not ready" to afford quality time for a family. It could even be your bank balance that is "not ready" to support a family, inspite of the fact that both of you might be working. Its actually the term "family" that gives you jitters. And then, the most honest of them all, you are just "not ready" to give up your freedom for always.

Freedom could mean something as grave as the freedom to choose a career path( what if your wife is pregnant and an onsite opportunity knocking at your door?) or could be something as trivial as the freedom to share a cup of coffee with that irresistible female who has an eye on you (what if this typical harmless instinct of yours is branded as"infidelity"?). You are scared of circumstances as these and many others and hence consider yourself incapable to handle them prudently...the ramifications being "marriage " being equated to "testing times that last a lifetime" and you try to shirk that off for as long as you can help.

It is this deep down inbuilt and innate psyche of "marriage spells loss of freedom" that leads to this "M" phobia. Psychologists explain this phobia as "the fear that if you get attached to someone for a lifetime , some unattached person , somewhere , will be having more fun than you."But for all the people in this "M" predicament who think that a married state would snatch from them the license to lead life "as you like it" , it's time to realise that for the "unattached person somewhere " the climax for the typical evening is watching the typical action movie on HBO while eating onion dip straight from the frying pan.

N.B: The "He" used throughout the article is more a result of the "flow of language" and not an insinuation that the "M" phobia pertains to "this" gender alone :-)

Nothing lasts forever!

2004-11-25T04:09:00.000-08:00

"I want it now
Not the promises of what tomorrow brings
I need to live in dreams today"

-Echo and The Bunnymen

I called it "everlasting friendship". That's how I viewed the relationship I shared with my best ever friend and that's how I always wanted it to be! - but what I didn't realise was ,"everlasting" is not just one qualifier, its about a giant effort that makes it so.

Now you might ask what's there in a relationship that needs "effort"? Isn't it supposed to be spontaneous? An effort always translates into reponsibility which in turn translates into burden! That's the exact notion I always had; so, when my best friend wanted to take a break from studying for his exams and asked me out for dinner, I said I was too preoccupied with "my" studies and promptly postponed the plans to "after the exams"! But then, "I" needed my break too and ended up dining with my boyfriend instead!

It has mostly been so throughout the 10 years since I have christened him my "best friend"! An urgent need to sleep, an excruciating headache, an unputdownable novel, a demanding study schedule or probably an important project at office had assumed "top priority" and came between us. And subconsciously, it has always been, "why do i need to spend time with my "best friend"?" He is just supposed to stay...forever! I always expected him to understand that he had too permanent and irreplaceable a place in my life to need confirmation by spending time together.

Probably, the most concise phrase to describe my attitude towards our relationship is "taking him for granted". When he and I came down to this new city on our respective jobs, I would rather put in more effort into striking a rapport with my new found hostel mates or would find it more interesting to hit it out with my new colleagues. I definitely spared time to listen to him and comfort him when he felt homesick or down but that was far less than what I could (should?).

I rememeber the day when I had to skip dinner for an exacting office schedule and upon complaining about my grumbling stomach, my friend got dinner parcelled and delivered to my hostel at midnight! The act was simply reciprocated with a "thank you" and was never spared a thought later. It was just a gesture that befitted his place in my life, the way people seldom thank their parents.But the same me was all praise for a new acquaintance who got me medicines when I suffered a headache some months later. That was considered a "loving" and caring" gesture never to be forgotten!

Was it the complacence of the many years already behind our friendship that made me assume that it could endure such grave indifference towards it?

A relationship like this one is like a cushion to fall back upon. But then,relationships are not cultivated to give them a purpose. It's existence cannot depend on its need; rather it is it's existence that is needed. A paucity of effort towards strengthening it would indubitably cause a waning of its strength to support you. The cushion needs care too.

Yesterday night my best friend called me up to say that his job demanded a transfer and that he needed to leave today morning! He had "rightly" assumed that I would be busy enough and not intending to disrupt my schedule had only broken the news when it couldn't be delayed further. Suddenly it dawned upon me that it has been more than a year we have been staying in the very same city and have not met...and that my so called "everlasting friendship" thrived on those few phone calls that I made when I badly needed to talk to someone who would understand me the most!

At that moment, I wanted to give him all of my time and more. But I just had time enough to bid goodbye! Henceforth our relationship would probably thrive on mere phone calls, which now seem so inadequate. I didnt help it when I could and now when I can't, I just can't help but repent. For me it had always been,"I'll find out time when I really want to", but then sometimes you just need to want!

Now I know...The most obvious and the most cherished relationships need the most effort!

Love - On the rebound

2004-11-23T05:31:00.000-08:00

It had hardly been a month since my friend broke off with her love of 3 years when I was introduced to this new guy in her life and to whom she promptly tied the knot in another month's time. While I was left wondering over the precipitousness of the series of events, she was happily enjoying marital bliss.

A rebound relationship is so common a phenomenon that the one into it hardly realises its significance or attaches any importance to this categorization. But then, "you are what someone else wasn't" cant always ensure a successful relationship. It would rather be "you are what i would want my guy/gal to be"!

There is a thin line of demarcation between these two points of view. In the first case, the very basis of the relationship is the inadequacy of another person or the grudges nurtured against him and more the result of a comparative analysis where the word "better" becomes the deciding factor. In the second case, its just a relationship in the absolute where the catchphrase is "the best one for me"!

Let us not assume that rebound relationships occur only when one relationship goes sour. There could be a perfect relationship where you are very much in love with the other person. But then there is no dearth of factors that could act as hindrances- family opposition or your own inability to take that serious "marriage" decision to name a few. In that case, when the relationship comes to an end or is forcibly brought to an end, you have no one but yourself to blame. When you lose that special someone you realise what paucity of courage and strength or inability to set your priorities right and taking the right decision at an apt time could do to your life.

You either need moral support and the one who provides you so(definitely of the opposite sex!) assumes infinite importance and soon becomes indispensable, or, you go all out and start off with another relationship which is more a subconscious effort to erase that earlier unplesant episode. In either case, you would not want to exhibit the same weakness that had made you suffer once. Its more of proving things to yourself than wanting to build a strong relationship. Its more of trying to get rid of that guilt by creating a similar situation and taking control of that situation this time.

But then, is it all that shallow?

For years distinction has been made between rebound relationships and true love. But I believe that the two are not mutually exclusive. The fact that a relationship is fuelled by the failure of another doesnt make it a fake one. Such relationships are termed as potentially dangerous or probable failures because of the scepticism that the attitude "better" wouldnt be replaced with the "best" in due time.

But in many cases,the "fuel" just stays so and nothing more-a catalyst to put in more effort(just like in the case when your best friend is trying to woo the girl you have fallen for!). The new found relationship is just like any other and evolves far from the shadows of the past failed one. You find a soulmate and the fact that you find him just a trifle late isn't reason enough to believe that this ain't "true".

In all, its not about being particularly cautious about a rebound relationship. Its about realising that as long as the presence of someone remains synomymous to the absence of another,a relationship is bound to fail. It should be more of coveting that presence than trying to fill a void or trying to prove a point.

Me, Myself and I...

2004-11-23T05:30:00.000-08:00

What do "i" do to become rich and famous?
Was it "me" they were discussing about?
"I" think "I" can do this "myself"!

What is common to all these questions or in fact most of the thoughts that occupy our mind is the predominant "Me"! "me","myself" and "i" are the three most frequently used words and used mostly without their implications being understood!

The truth is - I am born with myself and I am so much a part of me, that the "me", "myself" and "i" as components of an indispensable relationship are hard to grasp.

The term "relationship" doesn't preclude an association with oneself.In fact this is the only enduring relationship where u r in perpetual proximity with the one you are related to.For most people ,nurturing relationships is synonymous to building and maintaining associations with extraneous entities and consequently the one with thy self is relegated.

The first time I was aware of "my" presence in my life was when I broke off with my boyfriend.Things had gone sour and I had realised that we couldnt get on together.But my boyfriend hadn't and there were a series of attempts trying to cajole me into it with nothing short of even tears to convince me that things would work out.All those feats made me feel extremely guilty of the fact that I, a so called philanthropist, actually ended up in hurting someone. But at the same time I realised that my guilt was subordinate to my happiness that would come from shedding off this burden of a relationship."my" happiness at that point required the exclusion of a certain person and the cessation of my relationship with him.This was when I understood that a more important relationship prevailed - the one with my own self; the one that endures no matter what, the one whose survival sometimes demands the extinction of all other relationships. I stopped feeling guilty.

As long as you are in harmony and at peace with your own self, you can embark upon cultivating another relationship (that with your fellow human being!).But it's survival depends on this basic precondition.The moment it starts to upset the harmony(if it does!), a feeling of discomfort sets in and at one point the two relationships become mutually exclusive with the "self" always winning.

Then you would ask me as to why do some people end their lives when a relationship goes bitter such as the recent "Nafisa Joseph suicide case".This is because most people during times of emotional stress fail to acknowledge to themselves the importance of their self.Another person is prioritised over the self and consequently the "self-relationship" takes a backseat.During such tribulations the loss of this other person assumes wholesome importance and this is only because one can never presume what losing one's self is!

With all that said, while you stop by the mirror trying to get a closer look at the one who means the most to you,I take a break whistling Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself"!

To Sir With Love

2004-11-23T05:29:00.000-08:00

Ask your boyfriend over your first date about his first ever crush and the answer , inevitably, is his charming teacher of English ( or whatever subject!) while he was in the fourth standard!... and such statistics definitely don't pertain to the male bastion alone.

This seemingly innocent attachment has long been the psychologist's favourite subject of study. They have for long tried to elaborate on our current understanding of the social contexts of education by synthesising research on the nature and influence of relationships between students and teachers from the attachment, motivational and socio-cultural perspectives. But even after much elucidation, the “subject” remains an enigma...

When a student enters the school premises for the first time, a whole new world unfolds before him where the people in command are the so called "teachers". They are the "know-all" beings who shape his thinking and he holds them in awe. And then there is one amongst them who is exceedingly beautiful and who smiles and asks him his name. The awe is immediately transformed into admiration and that heralds the beginning of an attachment that is subsequently termed as a "crush". The student craves for “the” teacher to smile at him again, and goes to great lengths to achieve that end by trying to impress the teacher. Even a hated subject comes alive and grades rise exponentially in that particular subject. This “childhood” admiration is as simple as it sounds and yet, unforgettable.

So, how do I explain the excessive adoration I had for my teacher of "Network Analysis" in college? I wasn't a wide-eyed-child anymore and have had my share of boyfriends and stuff. Still I was irresistibly drawn to this particular teacher. This ensured "sleeping beauty" would wake up with a start every Tuesday and Thursday mornings to attend “his” classes at 7am!... devote her entire study hours to one subject alone and diligently complete all her assignments on this one subject ( despite the repeated reminders and warnings from other teachers!)... be the very first to solve every problem in class... scoring nothing less than the "full marks"... and all this, for one statement of appreciation that, sadly, never came ... which was all the more reason to “fall” for him.

Since looking up the meaning of "crush" in the dictionary ( which calls it "an usually temporary infatuation" ), associating that word to what I felt for my teacher is anathema to me. It was more an overt exaggerated emotion of adoration and respect for an individual. It was coveting being taught by someone whose immense grip over the subject moved me to admire him. And for all of that what i am left with finally is a bunch of good scores and of course, a story to reminisce.

So, what is this "crush over a teacher" thing?

Its more a realisation of the position of power that the teacher, having a great command over the subject, wields over you who is desperately trying to decipher it. Its more an attempt to match his prowess at the subject in question. Its more a need for a word of encouragement and appreciation towards this end, an adoration for his knowledge and his endeavour to share his knowledge. But since such constituents are intangible and we by nature perceive only the visible, what emerges is a relationship shrouded in a fuzzy word called "crush".

Crush stories and student-teacher relationships have for long provided the recipe for successful film-scripts and plots for bestsellers. Take for example the recent flick "Main Hoon Na" where Shahrukh is swept off his feet by his gorgeous chemistry teacher and croons for her till it all ends in a and-they-lived-happily-ever-after love story. In stark contrast is the Booker Prize winning novel "Disgrace" by J.M Coetzee that explores the nuances of a student-teacher relationship gone sour.

Whatever it is, a liking for your teacher is the most natural thing to happen! And if it is more than a liking, pride yourself! You have a story that will last you a lifetime.

Love @ Work

2004-11-23T04:24:00.000-08:00

First they termed it "team work"...now they call it a "tete-a-tete"! Thats the grudge most victims of office romance nurture. The romance is definitely not the ailment... its the sneers and jeers that come with it!...welcome to one relationship laden with controversy... the one where a "we are just colleague" becomes a little more than that!

..."and its the most natural thing to happen"...says one of friends..." i leave my parents behind and come down to a new city and stay in an apartment alone.The only people i can call my friends are my colleagues with whom i spend 10 to 12 hours per day... and then there is one amongst them who helps me with my technical queries. i find it nice to talk to him... we start having lunch together...& then hitting it out at movies and eating out..& talking all the more... obviously we went on to become more than colleagues"...its probably a similar kind of story in most cases...

...and then there is another of my friends who is all distraught..."thats the worst mistake i have ever committed in my life... ever since we have broken up, office is hell! both of us hate to see each other's face... and sitting in the same cubicle is such a pain... the team meetings are real testing especially when we have different points of view on the same subject... and then there is this inquisitive look on everyone's face!"...

...both are two sides of the same coin... a relationship at office can either be a pleasure or a pain...

...it could give you the added motivation(besides your monthly paycheck!) of waking up every morning and driving to your workplace... the tea-breaks could be all the more refreshing( and not because of the tea!)...& you could even like to stay back after office hours or even come in over the weekends(doing good to your company's profitability after all!:-) ) ... you get to spend a lot of time with the person you want to stay with the most( after all you spend

half of your day in office!) and then, just knowing that the person is hitting the keys of a PC in the same building is spending time with him...

...and with all that hush-hush mushy thing happening , u suddenly find yourself the object of strange stares... and the whole world( your workplace i mean!) knows... and your boss couldn't remain ignorant either!!!...and then,you have to put in that added effort to keep him pleased... the number of tea breaks and the number of phone calls goes down... and you get that "missing" feeling and find it hard to concentrate... that's all a part of it!

...and the worst happens if the relationship goes bitter!It could even be worse than the account i have given earlier... I know of two people who worked together and fell in love ...& then the female fell out of it and fell in again but with another person... and the colleague in question was a geek who did everything from hacking her PC to destroying her reports and making office life miserable for her. She had no other option but to quit.

...not to end in such a daunting note, i also know of colleagues who fell in love,are happily married and are the best of friends!

...but then, there is no denying that this is one relationship that will never cease to be a point of controversy... when you kind of start falling for the person who sits at the next PC , you must have said at least once to yourself "only if she was not my colleague!"...but its right there where you contradict yourself... if she hadn't been your colleague there wouldn't have been this day where you need to tell this to yourself!...

...anyways, take it or give it a miss ...the choice is yours!!!